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Last Words

"(In front of a Triceratops) Let see if it works, a matador dwarf."
"(To Angry Red Dragon) Did anyone tell you you had bad breath?"
"A ballista? What's that? How many dice of damage does it do?"
"A Nightmare, huh? I'll attack for one round and prepare to run."
"A red WHAT swoops out of the sky at us?"
"A sign labeled `pit'? I walk up to it."
"A wish? Okay, genie, make me a ham sandwich."
"All that noise we heard and there's only one drow here?"
"Awright! I can cast stoneskin! Now I'm invincible!"
"Been nice knowing you"
"Boost me up."
"Bow to a Demon? Never!"
"But I just got a little prick!"
"C'mon guys -- he can't kill _all_ of us!"
"C'mon guys...how bad could it be?!"
"Can I eat this green slime?"
"Can I try vampiric touch on this giant gelatinous cube ?"
"Cmon guys, it was only a rumor, theres nothing here"
"Come on, EVERY evil wizard's tomb has a way out!"
"Come on, how powerful could it possibley be?"
"Come on, we haven't found any traps so far."
"Come on, what could possibly go wrong?"
"Comeon guys, it's only an illusion"
"Damn It, where did I put that slay dragon scroll?"
"Demogoron? Great! Do you know how many exp he's worth?"
"Did he say he had Plate Mail +5? I stop running and fight him!"
"Do you realize what you just did?"
"Does a three save?"
"Don't be silly. That kind of monster NEVER follows you."
"Don't worry, he's probably just first level."
"Don't worry, the DM won't hose me"
"Don't worry, wyverns don't attack unless they're provoked."
"Elminster, you old fart, I thought you were really mad for a minute."
"Featherball! I mean, featherrrr........"
"Follow those lights!"
"Go ahead and drink it."
"Gorgons? OK, everybody hold your breath."
"Hah! I'm not dead yet. I still have five hit points."
"He hit me for HOW MUCH?????"
"He looks like a sunburnt elf?"
"He wouldn't try that trick again!"
"He's only an ordinary 15th level magic user."
"Here, hold this rope while I go down."
"Here kitty, kitty, kitty..."
"Hey, all I need is a two or better to save vs. poison."
"Hey, do you guys think that this might just be an illusio...(whack)"
"Hey folks, follow me, I remember the way to the dungeon exit."
"Hey guys, where are you?"
"Hey guys...wait up."
"Hey, I know a dragon when I see one."
"Hey, they're dwarves; me too. I can calm them down."
"Hey, this chest just bit me!"
"Hey Thor! I'll bet if you'll put your hammer down I can take you on!"
"Hey, where'd all the big spiders come from?"
"Hey you! Frost Giant! How's the weather up there?"
"Hmm...how do we know you are the REAL Angel of Death?"
"Hmm...I'll try Chain Lightning"
"I attempt to disbelieve"
"I can use my Psionic powers on this Mindflayer."
"I can't possibly miss..."
"I cast a lightning bolt at the ochre jelly."
"I didn't find any traps !!"
"I dive through the fire."
"I don't care. I have a Ring of Regeneration."
"I dunno what a tarrasque is, but it can't be TOO tough."
"I follow them."
"I go through the door... Wait, I check for traps!"
"I have this dungeon at home, I know where everything is!"
"I kill it."
"I know an illusion when I see one."
"I know if I draw a card I'll get the VOID."
"I mix the potions and drink."
"I never get lost."
"I never get to have any fun!"
"I open the coffin...SLOWLY."
"I pick the lock on the magic shop window."
"I run down the hallway alone."
"I see HOW MANY wights?!"
"I sneak up to the Lich and pick its pockets."
"I stab the dragon and tell it to get off me."
"I stand right underneath the Fire Giant and point my wand straight up."
"I think he can be trusted."
"I think level draining's only temporary. Keep attacking."
"I think we can take it down."
"I though YOU brought the food!"
"I throw a rock at the eight-legged lizard to get it's attention."
"I throw the rock into the dark cave."
"I try to move silently in plate armor..."
"I use animal empathy to calm the charging Triceratops."
"I walk into the raiders' camp and ask to use the toilet."
"I want to check out the magic tome."
"I wonder what's in here?"
"I'll cast Fireball."
"I'll just close my eyes and walk up to the dracolisk holding up my mirror"
"I'll just walk up to the dragon invisibly"
"I'll never surrender."
"I'll open it."
"I'll open the door, sneak up on him from behind and backstab him!"
"I'll pull the lever."
"I'll scout ahead."
"I'll steal the 20+ level mage's pouch."
"I'll swim across."
"I'll take off my armor so I'm silent and slip past the dragon."
"I'll use my taunt skill."
"I'll use the wand of wonder."
"I'm invincible!"
"I'm not going to waste spells on THEM!"
"I've been here before. There are no traps in this section."
"If I were you, Demon, I would sit back down!"
"Is this one really able to breath fire?"
"It _has_ to be an illusion - I attempt to disbelieve it."
"It can't be a beholder, we're only first level!"
"It can't talk to us like that!"
"It seems easy enough"
"It was a joke."
"It was only the wind."
"It'd be stupid to trap this!"
"It's only a naga."
"Just because you can breathe fire doesn't mean you can push *us* around."
"Just because you're a dragon doesn't mean you can push ME around."
"Just one more room..."
"Just watch, I bet I get the one item that's cursed."
"Let me handle this."
"Let's go in."
"Let's not go in."
"Let's walk this way."
"Lightning bolts don't ricochet off stone walls, do they?"
"Magic is for wimps."
"Me first. Me first."
"My character WANTS to go out in a blaze of glory."
"My first arrow MISSED the magic-user pointing at me? OK, I shoot again!"
"My God will protect me."
"Nah...the game's just started....he wouldn't put a fatal death trap in yet.."
"No problem. That's easy!"
"No problem."
"No really. I can do this."
"Of course its evil, kill it!"
"Oh, please! Vampires have so many weaknesses, you can't help but kill them!"
"Oh, shit."
"Oh these, I've fought them before..."
"Oh. He'll miss. Just look at my AC."
"Ok, so theres a few more of them"
"Okay, if I max out this round and win initiative next round, maybe..."
"Okay, we'll attack the small boulette first."
"Oops, sorry...didn't mean to disturb you."
"Rakshasas? Quick, break out the poisoned bolts."
"So that giant fell into the pit? I'll jump over it and get his treasure."
"So what, I have the artifact"
"So what?"
"Take out a Beholder's eyes, and Bingo!"
"Tell me this is an illusion."
"That purple robe really clashes with your burning eyes..."
"That's only a statue"
"The bridge looks sturdy enough.." (It wasn't)
"The DM's an idiot."
"The Fire Drake's tracks go into this cavern, let's go in."
"The Hall of Blades? Hey, I've got an 18 dex."
"There only a pack of kobolds."
"There's a smell of gas, huh? Well, my lantern is hooded. It ought to be safe."
"There's HOW many Githyanki sleeping bunks in this chamber?"
"There's no such thing as a bottomless pit. Everybody knows that."
"There's no trap on the door, so let's open it"
"There's only 10 kobolds and there's 8 of us. Attack!"
"There's only three of them. Watch the one that looks like Death, though."
"They CAN'T have initiative!"
"They need a twenty to hit me, I'm invincible"
"They're only kobolds!"
"This 250' wall has so many holes, it should be easy to climb."
"This is a wimp dungeon."
"This type of undead can't drain levels"
"Those noises are probably nothing."
"Trap? What trap?"
"Trust me."
"Try me, sh*t breath!"
"Wait...Dragons can only breathe fire once per day right?"
"Wait! What's deathspell do?"
"Was that thunder, or were you rolling damage?"
"We charge!"
"We killed all monsters on this level."
"We'll untie the prisoners and lock them in the closet."
"We're in luck! The dragon is sleeping"
"Well ..., I'll touch it again"
"Well, he's OK, Know Alignment works on anybod..."
"Well, if you didn't belch, who did?"
"Whaddya mean, a pentagram only has FIVE sides?"
"What do mean feather fall wears off?"
"What do you mean, 'Green slime ain't always green.'?"
"What do you mean, 'How many hit points do I have RIGHT NOW?'?"
"What do you mean, `Your wand ran out of charges.'?"
"What do you mean, how many hit points do I have?"
"What do you mean I turn into a bug?"
"What do you mean my axe bounces off him? What's Stoneskin do anyway?"
"What do you mean, my spell expired."
"What do you mean, the dragon wakes up?"
"What do you mean, the item's not in my backpack any more?"
"What do you mean, the Wall of Ice vanishes?"
"What do you mean the whole room we're in detects as a trap?"
"What do you mean trolls regenerate!?!"
"What does this lever do?"
"What the hell, there's six of us and only 5 type VI demons."
"What's a wild-magic zone?"
"What's your alignment?"
"When nobody's looking, I go back to get some more gems."
"Where'd that thief go now?"
"Who's the bitch with the spiders?"
"Why is this man speaking in sign language?"
"Why is your torch flame turning blue?"
"Wonder what this button does ?"
"Yeah, I know it's dangerous, but think of the experience points."
"YO! Grendel! Your momma wears combat boots!"
"You don't get Humanoid 8th level wizards. He's only bluffing"
"You don't look like a mage!"
"You may be the keeper of this stone, but I want this stone."
"You mean it was a GOOD dragon?"
"You mean they get to use the critical hit chart too?"
"You'd have to be a GOD to smile after that hit!"
"You've got 80 hit points; YOU open the treasure chest"
"Your mother was a Gully Dwarf."

Or, a variant of one on the list, when a character was playing with a
summoning artifact: "I see HOW MANY red dragons??!" (They ate him)

And the ultimate famous last word:

Two Liners: (35)
"A creature with two BABOON heads on a scaly REPTILIAN body? With TENTACLES
for arms? Hunh. Must be some stupid wizard's magical construct.
Let's kill it."
"Diamonds ... Gold... Saphires!!! Terry! Terry, we're rich, we're rich, we're
fabulously wealthy!!!! Terry...Terry...??"

"Don't worry! The chances of me blowing a climb walls roll twice, at my level,
are infinintesimal."

"Garth, you be the anchor. I tie the rope around myself, take the slack [700']
and jump in."

"He CAN'T put a black dragon against a 1st-level party!
It has to be an illusion. I disbelieve!"

"Hey, it's only a black dragon, a vampire, and a lich.... and we've got a horn
of bubbles!"

"How was I to know that that orc would tell the truth about us not wanting to
come in here!"

"I drink the bottle marked POISON on the off-chance that it's the extra-
healing potion."

"I'll just fly over the dragon's lair on my pegasus and see if it's still

"I'll poke it with my sword.." (Pool of Green Slime near cave
opening.. it eats through metal very quickly)

"It's an illusion. No spell can reshape the side of a mountain like that. I
disbelieve and walk off the 500' cliff."

"It's just a goblin.." (Or a Doppleganger caught by the PCs trying
to steal the goblins' small hord of gold and silver)

"No, I'm sure there's some stipulation that says a disintegrate spell won't
work if the spellcaster casts it on himself. Here, I'll prove it."

"Ok, the dragon's asleep. You guys wait back here with bows and stuff.
Getafix and I will go up in front of it and cast light on it's eyes to
blind him, then we'll blow his brains out with psionics."

"OK, O Mighty Odin, as long as you're not gonna answer my prayers, I'm gonna
tell ya what I REALLY think of ya!"

"Oops, I spilled flaming oil on my beard. I'd better wash it off after we
kill this fire lizard."

"So I'm safely across the pit? Whew! For a minute there I was worried that
you might remember my encumbrance penalties."

"So what if he calls the guard? A backwater town like this can't have a very
big militia."

"Thank God!! A hobgoblin camp up ahead! Maybe they can help heal our

"That's right, I'm going to polymorph into a pergrine falcon and attempt to
land on the back of one of the 12 griffons flying above us."

"The huge red dragon is flying toward me with his mouth open? Ok, I roll for
initiative with my bastard sword.

"The thief is dead, and we got one coffin left to open!"
"I crack it open with my +1 two-handsword"
- Guess who's in many pieces now!

"There's a company of 100 barbarians guarding the pass"
"I don't think they want us to cross these mountains."
"So what?"

"Well, *I* trust our party thief, and if he says this door isn't trapped,
that's good enough for me."

"Well, we know he's LAWFUL evil, so he should keep his word when he promised
not to betray us."

"What a useless scroll. It just says, HASTUR HASTUR HASTUR over and
over again..."

"What if we drained this fountain that acts as a portal to the elemental plane
of water with my bag of holding?"

"Ya know, since our druid's been so obnoxious, it would probably serve him
right if we set his precious forest on fire."

"You mean this is only an 'invoke elemental' ring ? I can't control the
elemental with it."

"You watch the door, I'll take out the Gas Spore (Beholder) that's guarding
the treasure."

5 Fire demons rise from the pit 50 ft in front of the group
and the Mage says "No problem I have a Staff of Fire"

Beeing driven under water by crocodiles: "No problems, I can hold my breath
16 minutes."

"What do you mean, 'The trap WASN'T armed.'? What was that Remove Traps
roll for anyway!?"

Kender to Bard "Blipdo who?" in reference to Kou-Touan goddess
materializing in the same room.

Paladin charging Dragon: "For Honor, for King, for God."
Dragon eating Paladin: "For lunch."

Engebret Tangnes, HIS, Stavanger, Norway

================================= EOF ===============================

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From: tangnes@gribb.hsr.no (Tangnes, Engebret)
Newsgroups: rec.games.frp.archives
Subject: [NEWS] LIST: Last Words 2
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Thanks to all contributors on the Net!

FAMOUS LAST WORDS Updated: 22-nov-1994
Last Quotes: (18)

DM: You are standing before the gates of the temple.
The temple is old and decaying.
Player: What do the gates look like?
DM: They are made of finely polished copper, bright and shiny.
There are a lot of animal skeletons scattered on the
ground near the gates.
Player: Must be magical. I'll pull out my sword, and push
the gates open with the tip.
Player: What was that???
DM: The million volts of electricity in the gates.

(The DM like to make electrified traps in
dungeons, but he always give clues. This player
didn't pay attention to the clues of polished
copper gates, dead animals, and the rest of the
temple was falling apart. Well, at least he was
right about them being magical. Don't worry, the
other PCs chipped in to get him raised).
Astone gloem? i draw my sword and hit it.

One very good way to lose a sword prob the best i have seen.
He got out by the way . & I kept telling him he had tickled the golem.
One last thing in one of the groups that i played with last year a char
had to seducea femail in order to get a item HE DID and very well to.
But he seemed to have forgotten that this was a ADVANCED TECH GAME.
quote "BUG WHAT BUG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The poor guy had to give us a blow by blow detailed account of what he had done,
it was his face that was the funny thing.
***** Borik's Rules To Live By (Or Else Die By) *****
6. Ogre Mages need to lighten up on the Cones of Cold.
7. Mages should never be allowed to cast Fireball.
8. Don't fire a lightning bolt in a 10x10x10 room
unless you have a Cube of Force.
9. You CAN make an eyeball pop in two rounds.
10. Disintegration works best if you don't roll a 20.
While this may not be earth-shattering, it did mess things up a bit. A
certain character who loved killing orcs happened upon a wish. His wish?
"I wish I had more orcs to fight." The DM immediately took this one and
flew with it. The player thought the wish was worded quite well (given
20-30 seconds to do so). However, instead of merely encountering a
larger percentage of orcs, there were suddenly more orcs...
Ahh, yes, gadgets. I played DC Heroes once, the 1st Ed, I think. My friend
was playing the Batman. He was plummetting to a grisly death, kicked out of
a helicopter 40 stories up. We explained the Omnigadgets to him.
"You've got type C Omnigadgets in your utility belt! Pull one out,
it can be whatever you want!"
"Nearly anything. Quick! Use an Omnigadget!"
"Okay, I pull out an Omnigadget."
"What do you want it to be?"
"A cup of tea."
"???? Tea?"
"Orange Pekoe Bat-tea."
Well, he was a Bat-splat shortly thereafter.
5th level Paladin, mounted in splint mail, medium lance, facing
an advancing column of field plated lanceman;
"Bring it"
one round till death.
Just last week I had an unfortunate player awaken from unconscious-
ness (i.e. 0 hp) and proceed to follow some of the other party members who
were checking out a disturbance in the surrounding woods...
Shane: I see goblins? I climb the nearest tree.
Daniel: Me too.
Me: Okay, after a short while they notice Elie (Daniel) and
begin to congregate about the base of the tree. One
of them kneels down and rammages through his sack.
Kaerin (Shane), you see a few short flashes of light
around the goblins hunched over form. It would seem
that he has a light torch now. By the way, how many
of you have seen or read _The Hobbit_?
...Various exclamations of woe...
Daniel: I jump out of the tree onto one of the goblins.
Me: You jump out of the tree... into the goblins?
Daniel: Yea.
Me: Okay...
Shane: Uh, Daniel, how high were you?
Daniel: Oh no!

My players came upon a crypt with a mummified body in it and
the thief was telling one of the fighters:
"Poke it! It's dead, what is it going to do?"
The mummy came to life and almost wiped out the party.
This thief also has a bad habit of failing his find traps role. He spends
a lot of time taking a so-called 'dirt-nap' and monopolizing healing
spells from the two priests.
The huge red dragon is flying toward me with his mouth open? Ok, I roll
for initiative with my bastard sword.
What if we drained this fountain that acts as a portal to the elemental
plane of water with my bag of holding?.
Well, he's OK, Know Alignment works on anybod...
Oh, shit.
My elven mage, a human ranger, and a human assassin enter a huge
chamber filled with piles upon piles of bones and "awaken" three very angry
wraiths. The mage casts "Protection from Evil".
Ranger: Coward! There's only THREE of them!
(okay, we didn't die, but the assassin and mage both lost one experience
level and the ranger lost 3 levels)
The party's leader entered alone the room where the big bad guy we slayed
was. Couple of seconds later, we hear through the door:
"You can come, there's no danger anymore !(BOOM!!)"
From a female PC (who [a] encouraged a deity of rape/pillaging to
possess one of his priests so they could [b] have sex
"Is that the best you can do?"
We came to a hall, about 15 feet high, with thousands of spikes
(2 feet long) fixed to the ceiling. Our self-confident priestess
entered the hall and walked about 5 feet towards the center and
told us:
"It's perfectly safe. The spikes won't come down."
She continued to walk and entered a few seconds later a zone of
Reverse Gravity...
When crossing a swamp, the atmosphere starts to get ugly.
Worried by a very black pool, the group tarries and doesn't
want to continue. After an unsuccesfull attempt of our thief
to reach the pool, I (a mage!) walk towards it (through the
mud and quicksand), examine the black water and return, saying
"Relax, nothing was there..... ??? What are you looking at?"
How about a large black dragon?
This is from a dwarven cleric in my long time gaming party. The assignment
was dealing with clearing a graveyeard which had been sprouting all kinds of
nasty surprises. He had gone ahead of the main party to check something
"You see what looks to be a large flaotingp ball, with a a large central eye,
and severl stalks with small eyes at the end. The things gaze is upon you,
though it's not moving in your direction"
"Bah! It's just a gas spore!"
Well, atleast the party had some items to remember him by after the
distigration hit.
Me, right after a two-headed troll decided that the party mage would be a very
good club.
Here's an old one that i actually was able to use the other day
"What do you mean a 'herd of Terrasque' ?"
We did not survive.
BTW, a kender had gotten hold of a gnomish cloning device. That is bad enough
without the Tarrasque.
"Drow have no sense of humor." --The Dragonfly,
after being slain by the dark Elf Zik for making fun of his name: "I am Zik."
"How Zik are you?"
(Insert Lightning Bolt Here)

Engebret Tangnes, HIS, Stavanger, Norway

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